A Lesson In Sexting

Sexting expert Crystal Chandeliere teaches you how to both horrify and horn-ify your special someone

To begin with, ‘sexting’ is a rather vague term. I don’t send photos, for the following reasons:

1) Much as I adore a rogue penis or breast, I find absolutely nothing appealing about a disembodied human part. Same goes for photos of disembodied human parts. It doesn’t turn me on, and if it something doesn’t turn me on, I never, ever bother doing it.

2) The art of the selfie is an embarrassing one.

A photo-based sext has finite potential. No matter which way you look at it, it’s still a photo of a breast (or otherwise). Words, on the other hand, tap into the imagination, and the imagination need know no bounds.

There are no rules when it comes to sexting, much as there are no rules to general conversation, although certain guidelines are worth considering:

  • It is prudent to only sext people you know well; ideally people you are ‘seeing’ (whatever that means)
  • Don’t hold back. A boring sext stamps on the libido, and no one likes a flaccid libido.
  • If you send an overenthusiastic sext, follow it up with four or five more. My record for consecutively sent, unanswered sexts is seventeen. And you know what? Those seventeen sexts were followed up by a spectacular shag. Unanswered sext overload implies you’re just being deadpan, because OF COURSE no one would REALLY send that many sexts to someone who wasn’t replying. Failing that, say your friends were messing with your phone.
  • Sexts do not always have to be truthful (“I just spunked so much I’m literally swimming in it”), but they can be a casual way to indicate to your sextee what you are or aren’t into when in the boudoir (“I want to blindfold you and straddle your face”).

I generally stick to three templates when sexting a lover or friend, although sometimes it’s fun to break the mould with a simple “hubba hubba” orperhaps a saucy, nonsensical poem.


“I want to” can easily be replaced with “I’m going to” here, for the more direct sexter. Often, using a totally non-sexual activity as your example can create an excellent effect.

  • “I want to stuff you with peppers and roast you and eat you”
  • “I want to smack your little bum and rub it with cream”
  • “I’m going to ride you like a pony, around and around”


There is the most variety within this template; one can describe a mood, situation or simply oneself.

  • “I’m having a wank, getting a bit tired. Come and finish me off?”
  • “I’m at work… naked”
  • “I am very sexy”


This is the simplest of the three, and is, unlike the other two, only really fun if you play truthfully.

  • “Guess what I have in my vagina?”
Honestly, guess.

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