Crottin de Cheval


Dear *****

Unfortunately ER magazine does not correspond to the universe in which Hermès Parfumeur expresses itself.

Best regards
Direction de la communication

Who could have guessed that the publicity machine pushing Hermès were so well versed in quantum physics? Hugh Everett could never have predicted that his original theory of Universal Wave Function and what came to be known as his Many World Theory would have been utilised in the marketing of a company which began making horse harnesses.

The most apt theory of multiple universes – parallel universes, if you like – to apply toHermèsis that of Schrodinger’s Cat. As I am sure all Kelly Bag owners will know, this is a very simple example of the parallel universe theory. Schrodinger’s cat was placed in a box. We are asked to say whether the cat is alive or dead. Without looking in the box. Schrodinger’s suggestion is that the cat is both alive and dead, simply in separate universes. We will know which universe we ourselves are in when we open the box.

In the Erotic Review’s Universe, the cat is, of course, alive. Because we love pussies. We like them warm and softly furry and eager for fun. And most definitely alive.

Probably, in the Hermès Universe, the cat will be dead. If not now, then as soon as the Hermès designers come up with something to do with its skin. Especially if the cat is of an exotic breed. I refer you to the scandal of last year when Hermès was revealed to have established a crocodile farm in Australia (around 3,000 crocodiles being farmed at any given time) for the purpose of slaughtering them, skinning them anbd turning them into Hermès bags. It takes, according to the then Hermès spokesman, “three to four crocodiles” to make a Hermès bag. Animals do not fare well in the Hermès Universe – not since the late 70s when Jean Louis Dumas decided that the brand needed “sexing up” and brought out their iconic Python skin biker jackets and ostrich-skin jeans.

I happened to notice a couple of Hermès best known perfumes – 24 Faubourg and Calèche – as I rummaged for something cheap and cheerful in The Perfume Shop, a well known chain of discount fragrance outlets, found in most shopping centres nowadays. I went for something sexier in YSL.

So there we have it – the Hermès Universe. A place of dead animals and cut-price scent stores. When our worlds do collide, mes amis, I’ll be sure to lock up my pussy.

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