Under no circumstances will I ever eat semen. I just won’t do it. I absolutely refuse. It’s slimy, it smells and it’s full of tiny humans. I just don’t want that stuff in my mouth. If I ever happen to be kidnapped and told that if I don’t eat a tablespoon of semen, my whole family will be killed, obviously I’d try to free myself and overcome my captors, but if that gambit doesn’t pay off then I’m sorry, but it’ll be goodbye to the Fletchers. That’s the end of it. Basta. Finito. End of argument. I will never, ever eat semen.
And yet, I just bought a cookbook full of semen based recipes.
Let’s take a look inside. For breakfast I can have a ‘Cappuccino de Seme’ 1 together with a ‘High Protein Smoothie’, which I’m sure will see me all the way to lunch. For the mid-day meal I might have the ‘Tuna Sashimi’ with a ‘Homemade Dipping Sauce’, or I could try the ‘Lumpier Lumpia’, or perhaps I should just stick with some good old fashioned ‘Creamy Cum Crepes’. When I’m hit by that inevitable four o’clock slump, I can re-invigorate myself with some ‘Spunky Candied Pecans’, or, if I’m feeling indulgent, I might have a ‘Tiramisu Surprise’ (yes, the surprise is that it’s made with semen). Now, what about dinner…? To start, I think I’ll have the ‘Slightly Saltier Caviar’. Wait, no. Could I possibly have the ‘Man Made Oysters’ 2 instead? Thank you. And for the main course, I’ll try the ‘Roasted Lamb With Good Gravy’. And that gravy, it is err…made with semen, right? Excellent. That’s perfect. And for desert could I have the ‘Cum Crème Caramel’? Oh! And to drink. An ‘Almost White Russian’, please. Thank you. I always love coming here. Such an interesting menu. And such handsome staff.
Now, eating semen raises some pretty glaring sanitary issues. It does, after all, come out of a man’s penis. The book’s author Paul ‘Photie’ Photenhauer, 3 spends a lot of time telling us that semen ‘is a complex food’ that has ‘numerous different olfactory nuances’ 4, which is nice, but it’s all totally academic if I’m not prepared to put the stuff in my mouth in the first place. As Samuel L. Jackson’s character says in Pulp Fiction: ‘sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie but I’d never know because I’d never eat the filthy motherfucker’. Think about it. Semen travels down the same tube as urine does and, unless you’re lucky enough to be circumcised, passes out a urine soaked flap of skin that just sits there all day festering under two layers of fabric. I mean, the foreskin is never even aerated properly. Even when it is taken out of its fabric dungeon, it’s almost certainly about to have even more piss passed through it. And to eat a skanky white goo that not only smells repulsive but has come into contact with this stagnant piss moistened giblet? Holy shit Paul Photenhauer! You eat sperm? Dude, what the fuck! 5
But in all fairness he does have a point. Semen is incredibly nutritious. It’s full of protein, it’s very low in carbohydrates, and it contains several mood boosting chemicals like estrone, prolactin, oxyticin and seratonin. In fact, in Papua New Guinea, some communities believe that the semen of older men contains some of their manliness and wisdom and that, in order to inherit this authority, the younger men need to fellate them. 6 And who am I to question the wisdom of certain Papua New Guinean communities? Especially when I haven’t even so much as eaten any of their semen. So I’m left with a quandary: I want to be wise, I want to be happy, and I want to keep up with my Atkins diet, but I don’t want to eat semen. What can I possibly do?
Here’s an idea: how about for the rest of your life, you eat a ton of sperm, but you’re just never aware you’re doing it? Hear me out: if you were told at a dinner party that all the food contained sperm then you would freak out, naturally. But if you were just happily chowing down on some unusually delicious candied pecans, without the slightest idea that those pecans were, in fact, ‘spunky’, would there be any real problem? You get all the nutritional benefits, you get a unique taste experience, and the host has a great time preparing the food. Sure you’re eating sperm, but so what? We’ve been eating horse all these years without knowing it, and none of us have grown hooves.
Now I’m aware that feeding someone semen without their knowledge, could be considered a form of rape. But the difference between this form of rape and the other kind is that this form has subtle hints of alfalfa sprouts and cookie dough. So go ahead Paul Photenhauer, rape my mouth with your spunky food. I’m not sure if consenting to being raped is actually a thing, but hey, it’s the 21st Century, nothing makes sense anymore.
- ‘Makes good use of the frothing qualities of semen’, we’re told, and ‘since semen quality and volume is often excellent after a nights sleep this is a perfect way to begin the day’. The logic is flawed here. It’s by no means a reasonable step to go from saying that semen is at its highest volume in the morning, to saying that eating it is a great way to start the day. If I was a Victorian moralist, I would say that this sentence is the product of the twisted, illogical mind of a pervert. Of course, I’m not. But still, eww. ↩
- Yup, that’s just a glob of spunk in an oyster shell. In case you haven’t guessed, that’s what’s pictured above. ‘A true semen connoisseur ‘, we’re told, ‘might forgo the lemon and pepper in favour of the non-adulterated semen flavour.’ Slurp slurp. ↩
- Who was, by the way, presumably himself once a sperm, and owes a lot to the fact that all those years ago his parents didn’t eat him. ↩
- Photie gives us a list of ‘some common associations’ semen connoisseurs get from eating the stuff: ‘brie cheese, cookie dough, almond, salty, spicy, sweet, bitter, yeast, alfalfa sprouts, fishy, cocoa, and fruity.’ Also, apparently, if you eat lots of raw ginger and drink a lot of ginger tea, your sperm takes on a ‘pleasant exotic flavour’. Even so, unless you drink so much ginger tea that you’re actually ejaculating the stuff, I’m still not going to eat it. ↩
- The way Photie tries to persuade us that eating semen is pretty extraordinary. In the introduction, he tries to make it seem like it’s totally in keeping with our normal eating habits: ‘we humans are omnivores’, he tells us ‘we will eat almost anything‘ (my italics), as if it wouldn’t be beyond the bounds of expectation for a hungry man in the street to take a bite out of a live dog, or something old and slushy from a wheelie-bin. As if the following conversation might be considered reasonable:
Father: What do you want for breakfast today son? How about this dead rat that I just took out of the sewer?
Son: Oh yes father, why not. After all, I will eat almost anything.
Father: Actually on second thoughts, how about some of my sperm?
Son: OK ↩
- I definitely know where I’m retiring to. ↩