Barney thought that wife-swapping was his idea. But, actually, it was Betty’s idea. We’d be lolling around the pool and she’d be saying things like, “Look at Wilma, Barney. Doesn’t she look hot. What a great bod that Wilma has,” and Barney began to notice and started looking at me with a hungry, sabertooth grin. Fred, my Fred, would never have thought of something so adult, not with all the hinting in the world. Not that he was against it. No, he’s just not very imaginative. But ever since we were put on “permanent hiatus” things have been a little slow in Bedrock. People were starting to get bored if not downright edgy. We needed something new.
So Barney, little Barney – who is actually not so little where it counts – had this idea, which he shared with Fred, and which Fred shared with me. As I said, Betty already knew—but then so did I. It wasn’t a new idea, at least for anyplace other than Bedrock. Instead of sleeping in their own beds, Barney and Fred would go to a bar one night, get pulverized, and then “mistakenly” wander into each other’s bedroom. Of course, the deal was that they wouldn’t tell us until it was too late to back out and maybe they wouldn’t even know they were doing it (or who they were doing it with). But one night, it must have been about twelve-thirty, someone who wasn’t Fred rolls into my bed. I could tell right away it wasn’t Fred because when I tried to kick him in the shins for taking up too much room, I didn’t connect. This time I was kicking air. But as the saying goes, in bed everyone’s the same height – or in Barney and Fred’s cases, the same diameter.
Actually it was kind of exciting, after years of the same old Stone Age sex, Fred banging me on the head and dragging me into the bedroom. It’s a wonder we have only the one kid, bless her little ponytail. It was totally dark – this is the Stone Age after all and lighting a fire is not only complicated but dangerous. So I wasn’t totally sure it was Barney. It could’ve been Moe the Bartender. But he was so quiet, and gentle. Maybe he was a little shy or maybe he’s just naturally more considerate than Fred, but for a guy, Barney was a better than average lover. Also, despite the fact that he’s not the tallest Neanderthal in the world, he is otherwise well endowed. Walk softly and carry a big stick, isn’t that the motto? Ever since Pebbles I’d been wondering if I’d ever have that nice full feeling again. After my night with Barney, I knew the answer was sometimes.
The day after our little adventure I walked next door to have coffee with Betty. Not sure if I wanted to know, I asked her how it went. She said it was sort of like riding an inner tube down the rapids, exciting and a little dangerous. But worth repeating. Also she mentioned that the new “Barney” was definitely into butt play, not just tap-tap-tap, but serious spelunking. I told her that I never let Fred in the back door, it just seemed too messy. But Betty, she likes that sort of stuff, only not with the old Barney. I could guess why not.
When she asked me about my night, however, I sort of hemmed and hawed. I said it reminded me of giving birth to Pebbles. She just nodded and smiled.
So for the next few months, I’d be treated to the new “Fred” every week or two, and for a while, the four of us kept pretending that nothing had changed. The same bowling nights, the same outdoor barbecues. And then we’d go home. Yabba dabba doo, as my spouse is wont to say. There was more spice in everyone’s spouse. I think we all agreed.
But at some point, somebody wanted to take our new freedom a bit further. It might have been Betty. It might have been me. The idea was to send the kids off to Camp Rockhead, leaving the four of us to do whatever we wanted.
The fateful day began, like most days in Bedrock, with a barbecue. I could tell Fred was nervous. He couldn’t look at me or Betty or even Barney. He just stood over the grill crying from all the smoke in his face. Barney, who’d had a little too much to drink started patting both Betty and me on the butt. “You girls are in for a real treat,” he said. “These stegosaurus steaks are like nothing you’ve ever had before.” Little did he know that while he and Fred were busy at work, Betty and I had been having something far tastier than steak.
It was Betty’s idea, of course. She’s the most adventurous of us all. But one afternoon, months before we started swapping husbands, she invited me over for wine, and before I knew it she was taking off her clothes. “It’s so hot,” she said shedding her leopard skin. I was a little surprised but not unpleasantly so. I guess it’s no secret that, next to me, Betty has the best body in Bedrock, trim legs, tight butt, firm breasts – a real hardbody. Then it was my turn to get hot. “Wilma,” she said, “you have beautiful breasts.” I blushed, but then I completely paled as she reached over and touched one then the other. Before I knew it we were kissing each other in all kinds of interesting places.
After that the two of us got together as often as we could – and used any excuse to be naked—sauna, hot tub, or just skinny dipping in her pool, even with the boys watching. Together we discovered all sorts of new and interesting ways of doing it, exploring each other’s places, not just the orifices but all that other topography, what the guys always waved at on their way to the cave. Betty bought me my own vibrating dildo, for when she wasn’t around. My only problem was how to hide it from Fred. Once I hid it in the back yard under a bush, but then Dino dug it up. Finally I just put it in Pebble’s room with a lamp shade on the tip, the top. Pebbles keeps asking me why her new lamp doesn’t work, but I just tell her to use her old lamp.
So it wasn’t really Barney who brought the sexual revolution to Bedrock. It was me and Betty. I guess that’s why neither of us had a problem with a foursome. It was just another rung up the ladder of ecstasy. Or so we hoped. By then, Betty and I were both a little disappointed in one another’s spouses. I guess we were thinking that maybe it would quiet some of the dissatisfaction we’d been feeling in our marriages.
Anyway, the “orgy” was a real disappointment. The guys got too drunk to do anything except lie in their recliners and watch Betty and me. I suppose I was turned on performing for them. But it also felt a little too dirty. Not Betty. She didn’t even notice the guys. She gobbled me up like a tyrannosaurus. I don’t know what it was, we never talked about it, but something had been holding her back, and now it wasn’t. I must’ve come six times. She wore me out, first with her tongue, then with her fingers, then with the vibrator, and then with fingers, tongue and vibrator all together. The guys loved it. Even after the fifth encore they kept asking for more.
But that was then, and this is now. That day something snapped in me too. Fact was I still wanted good old-fashioned domesticity, only not with Fred. I wanted someone who understood me, the nooks and crannies of my psyche as well as of my anatomy. That’s what I told Fred when I told him to move out—Betty was moving in. And of course Fred did the logical stupid thing. He moved in next door with Barney. You should see it. The place is a wreck. Fred’s doing mainly. Occasionally I’ll spot Barney through the picture window in an apron tidying and running the vacuum. Such a sweet guy. Just a little thick.
By the way, Betty and I are working on an idea for a new television series. I think it’s perfect for premium cable, sort of an Odd Couple meets The L-Word. Maybe we’ll call it Bedrock Revisited. What do you think?