If The Big Sleep Had Children

Lives apart, together

S  I fucked him 12 times. We counted.

You counted?

S  Yes.

Did you count the variations? The locations?

S  Don’t be sarcastic. We counted. I’m leaving.

You call that closure?

S  Twelve.

It was a good substitute for not sleeping with me.

S  I do sleep with you. We don’t fuck.


H  Well?

S  Well what?

What now?

S  About us?


S  We continue.

Do we?

S  I want to.

What about him?

S  It was good. A good change. From you.

And now that you’re refreshed?

S  Don’t you want to know what he wants?

Should I?

S  I mean, have you thought that he might want me. Want me to leave you.

I don’t think so.

S  Are you so confident or just stupid?

We’re a habit. Deep. Like a well.

S  Maybe you’re both confident and stupid.

Maybe I’m right.

S  When you’re motivated you’re a better lover. But he was more into it than you’ve been in a long time. It was twelve times. But that doesn’t count the hours. We only stopped because–

I smelled him once. You didn’t wash properly.

S  I didn’t want to.


S  There’s a time when lust and love are the same. You can tell by what it does it to you.

We had that.

S  Yes.

Long time ago.

S  Yes.

We never counted.

S  And now?

Do you want to continue?

S  You should ask, do you want to begin again?

What about him?

S  What about you?

Why don’t you ask, what about us?

S  For me there’s always been an us. It’s you make us into two. You make me wait for you. You disappear and stay home at the same time.

Do I?

S  Do you want me to stay?

Most of the time.

S  That’s not good enough.

You can’t have it all.

S  Your sarcasm is a screen. Tell me what you want.

It’s not like that. Women are constant. Men are full of doubt.

S  Not all men. Tell me you want me.

Every one. Once you put aside the musk of lust.

S  I don’t believe that.

That’s why we fight. Why everyone fights. Until surrender. Until death do us part.

S  I feel cold.

You want something to eat?

S  Cold and alone.

A drink?

S  All these years.

I know a place up ahead.

S  I always kept my hope that it would be different. That you would be different.

Look, a parking spot.

S  I’m such an idiot.

Come, we’ll get a snack, we’ll feel better.

S  I just keep fooling myself.

Come on, don’t be like that. Let’s go in.

S  And I’m getting old. I thought you’d be different. I had to. I needed to believe. And to hope.

You’re going out on the deep end.

S  I should kill myself.

Don’t say that.

S  You’re right. Why should I kill myself, I want to live. I should kill you. It’s you who doesn’t want to live, you want to die. And you’re killing me.

You’re all confused. You’ve just left him, you’re getting carried away.

S  I never saw it so clearly. It’s like living with death. Without you I could breathe again.

You want him, don’t you? It makes sense. Twelve times. You even counted.

S  It’s you. I can’t breathe. You’re choking me. With your death wish. I want to live.

We have good times. We do alright. Come on, let’s get a drink, we’ll talk some more.

S  If I stay with you I’ll die. I see it now. But it’s my choice. I can’t help you. You choose to die. But I can choose too. I finally get it. I chose you and ignored that you didn’t choose me. You don’t want to live. And you don’t want me. But I don’t have to do that anymore. I won’t do it anymore. I won’t give myself up for you because I don’t matter to you anyway. I’m not your lover. Your lover is death, it’s not me. There’s a whole world out there. Living with you is like living in a crypt. It’s like holding your breath indefinitely. I want to follow the river. I want to feel the sun on my skin. I want to feel desire moving through my body. I won’t be buried alive anymore. I want to move to the light. It’s my choice. A drink, you say? OK, let’s get that drink. I’m going to enjoy it. And you’re going to pay.