If The Big Sleep Had Childrenby Michael Grotsky
S I fucked him 12 times. We counted.
H You counted?
H Did you count the variations? The locations?
S Don’t be sarcastic. We counted. I’m leaving.
H You call that closure?
H It was a good substitute for not sleeping with me.
S I do sleep with you. We don’t fuck.
S Well what?
H What now?
S About us?
S We continue.
H Do we?
S I want to.
H What about him?
S It was good. A good change. From you.
H And now that you’re refreshed?
S Don’t you want to know what he wants?
H Should I?
S I mean, have you thought that he might want me. Want me to leave you.
H I don’t think so.
S Are you so confident or just stupid?
H We’re a habit. Deep. Like a well.
S Maybe you’re both confident and stupid.
H Maybe I’m right.
S When you’re motivated you’re a better lover. But he was more into it than you’ve been in a long time. It was twelve times. But that doesn’t count the hours. We only stopped because–
H I smelled him once. You didn’t wash properly.
S I didn’t want to.
S There’s a time when lust and love are the same. You can tell by what it does it to you.
H We had that.
H Long time ago.
H We never counted.
S And now?
H Do you want to continue?
S You should ask, do you want to begin again?
H What about him?
S What about you?
H Why don’t you ask, what about us?
S For me there’s always been an us. It’s you make us into two. You make me wait for you. You disappear and stay home at the same time.
H Do I?
S Do you want me to stay?
H Most of the time.
S That’s not good enough.
H You can’t have it all.
S Your sarcasm is a screen. Tell me what you want.
H It’s not like that. Women are constant. Men are full of doubt.
S Not all men. Tell me you want me.
H Every one. Once you put aside the musk of lust.
S I don’t believe that.
H That’s why we fight. Why everyone fights. Until surrender. Until death do us part.
S I feel cold.
H You want something to eat?
S Cold and alone.
H A drink?
S All these years.
H I know a place up ahead.
S I always kept my hope that it would be different. That you would be different.
H Look, a parking spot.
S I’m such an idiot.
H Come, we’ll get a snack, we’ll feel better.
S I just keep fooling myself.
H Come on, don’t be like that. Let’s go in.
S And I’m getting old. I thought you’d be different. I had to. I needed to believe. And to hope.
H You’re going out on the deep end.
S I should kill myself.
H Don’t say that.
S You’re right. Why should I kill myself, I want to live. I should kill you. It’s you who doesn’t want to live, you want to die. And you’re killing me.
H You’re all confused. You’ve just left him, you’re getting carried away.
S I never saw it so clearly. It’s like living with death. Without you I could breathe again.
H You want him, don’t you? It makes sense. Twelve times. You even counted.
S It’s you. I can’t breathe. You’re choking me. With your death wish. I want to live.
H We have good times. We do alright. Come on, let’s get a drink, we’ll talk some more.
S If I stay with you I’ll die. I see it now. But it’s my choice. I can’t help you. You choose to die. But I can choose too. I finally get it. I chose you and ignored that you didn’t choose me. You don’t want to live. And you don’t want me. But I don’t have to do that anymore. I won’t do it anymore. I won’t give myself up for you because I don’t matter to you anyway. I’m not your lover. Your lover is death, it’s not me. There’s a whole world out there. Living with you is like living in a crypt. It’s like holding your breath indefinitely. I want to follow the river. I want to feel the sun on my skin. I want to feel desire moving through my body. I won’t be buried alive anymore. I want to move to the light. It’s my choice. A drink, you say? OK, let’s get that drink. I’m going to enjoy it. And you’re going to pay.