How to avoid a St Valentine’s Day Massacre

Vive La Révolution! Soft Paris have arrived in the UK to make your Saint Valentin a lot more stylish and, yes… très, très Joyeuse

Valentine’s Day – for some it’s a Hallmark too far, for others a charming Victorian tradition, albeit one that’s been marketed to death. When it comes to Valentines presents, I think I may have discovered some middle ground for men, often victims of the dreaded Valentine’s Syndrome, i.e., that of Not Getting It Quite Right. Or even Hopelessly Wrong. While it requires a certain amount of effort on a bloke’s part (like any kind of grand romantic gesture), get it right and there’s usually a payoff; in this case it’s a simple one: women love to be spoiled. It gets us in the mood to do terribly filthy things to you. Isn’t that really all you need to know?

The French don’t really do St Valentine’s Day (which may be telling us something), but if they did, then they would probably find their Valentine’s cadeaux at Soft Paris. We all know that when a chap’s enthusiasm trumps his discernment, a visit to a local sex boutique can turn out to be a total disaster, i.e. a partner’s seriously lukewarm reception to some very dodgy merchandise. So here’s a helping hand – a selection from the sophisticated Soft Paris catalogue, full of delectable treats for her (and you) from their seductive and stylishly erotic online boutique. She’ll be amazed by your sudden urbanity, your worldly-wise, cosmopolitan coolth, erotically-speaking. Just click on the title of each item below for more information. You can thank me later…

1. Jennifer Rose Babydoll; £35

When the air of innocence meets devilish intentions, a whole lot of hot sex usually occurs. And what better to contain that innocence than a derrière-skimming babydoll dress, in feminine powder pink with tiny black bows? This garment is simply divine. Frustratingly revealing (yet surprisingly supportive), the lace panel across the top will allow you full view of her breasts, she’ll even be able to feel you caressing her nipples through it. As for the delicate, cascading frills of chiffon that finish just shy of her knickers (if she wears any) – need I say more? Actually yes, but only this – it’s a garment you need to bend her over in. Often.

2. Attrape Bisous (Edible Balm) £10 and Croque-Moi, Frasier (Edible Body Moisturiser, Strawberry) £22

I don’t know a woman who doesn’t like to apply lotions and potions. But there’s a problem when it comes to pre-sex grooming rituals. Skin products that smell good usually taste pretty unpleasant; when deciding what to rub all over ourselves we like to consider our tastebuds. Allow me to introduce you to Attrape Bisous and Croque-Moi. This tingly balm (great for nipples and lips – let her decide which) and all over body moisturiser, are my favourite sexy things in a long time. Not only do they smell délicieux and glide on smoothly without leaving any stickiness at all, they also taste like strawberries and cream. She’ll feel blissfully pampered, moisturised and smelling great and you can eat her up while dreaming that you’re picnicking on the lawn at Glyndebourne.

3. Bougie de Massage (Massage Candle), Sous Les Tropiques; £24

There’s nothing quite like making love by candlelight, but this is no ordinary candle. In its romantic glow, you can pour melted wax from the stylish ceramic holder avec funnel and massage it into each other’s bodies. There was a time when playing with hot wax during foreplay was reserved for deviants. Now it’s simply a prerequisite to sensually-charged penetration. The soft, emollient wax is thicker and more luxurious than a massage oil, but equally well absorbed by the skin, leaving behind a fragrant hint of frangipani. Work the hot wax into the skin on her back, shoulders, breasts and thighs and listen to her moan with delight.

4. Parure Bra, £33 and Parure Knickers, £22

This sophisticated adjustable bra in seductive purple mousse, chiffon and black lace and matching knickers, will appeal to her controlling side. The bra has soft purple cups and a pretty lace overlay; but vitally the clever straps mean she can tailor her décolletage to keep her man enthralled all night. More importantly, you can easily slip the fabric to one side to stimulate her nipples, without removing this irresistible set altogether. The matching lace knickers feature a corset-style lace-up detail at the sides, that will cocoon her bottom snugly and enchantingly.  The combination will create a terrible dilemma for you: leave them on – or rip them off?

5. Boîte Coquine (Secrets Box) £29

All girls have secrets, and this darling little boîte is just the place to keep them. Small enough to be kept neatly on her boudoir table, but large enough to house le sex toy rabbit, this box is perfect for the storage of anything she’d rather others didn’t see. It has a sweet little heart shaped padlock and key, it looks cute as well as being useful; with pink satin beneath a lace-up, corset-design ribbon. She deserves somewhere to keep those dirty little indulgences, so give it to her.

6. Le Rouge qui Bouge (Clitoral Lipstick Vibrator) £19

Give a girl the gift of an orgasm on the go and she’ll likely want to marry you. Le Rouge qui Bouge is a compact clitoral stimulator that looks like a real lipstick, so it’s discreet enough for her to keep in her handbag. This battery-operated little beauty is quiet, lasts a long time and is so petite and seemingly innocent, she can take it with her when she powders her nose or pop it down her knickers while she drives to work. Bon voyage!

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