My Threat To Cardinal Keith O’Brien


Cardinal Keith O’Brien is free to carry on campaigning against gay marriage. But every time he does so, I’m going to masturbate over him. That’s the deal. You can’t say fairer than that.

He’s been turning me on all week anyway, the old tart. He knows all the right words to use. He said rising abortion rates showed Britain’s moral fibre was disintegrating. I love it when moral fibre disintegrates. That’s the best part, when you can feel it all peeling apart and coming undone and everyone stands in a circle getting a semi.

I don’t often get horny because of the Sunday Telegraph or the Today programme – unless they’re covering the euro zone crisis, of course – but the cardinal’s media onslaught got me all hot and bothered. He was seemingly everywhere at once, radio and print and rolling TV news, his pitiless stream of sexual frustration filling Britain’s living rooms.

Same-sex marriage would lead to “further aberrations”, he said. I struggled to control myself. I started looking up images of him and having a nifty five-knuckle shuffle. He wears this filthy red top. He’s such a flirt.

“Society would be degenerating even further than it has already degenerated into immorality,” he said. There’s really no need to quote any further is there? You know what he’s going to say.

In truth, it’s is a moment of personal victory for me. He sees this dread image of the future approaching him and it is precisely the utopia I always imagined we could have. Us, the British people, mindlessly shagging for no good reason, in the cold and the rain, casting down our copies of the Daily Express and committing grotesque acts of Artaud-inspired pornography in public places. Believe it and it can be yours.

Unfortunately, most gay marriage campaigners are far more tedious. All they want is to marry the person they love and not have to use the word ‘partner’ or, worse, ‘civil partner’, when referring to their husband or wife. Give them a couple of years and they’ll probably start voting Conservative, which is presumably why David Cameron came up with the idea in the first place.

They are not, alas, our comrades. They are merely fellow travellers. But the people of Great Britain must be free to do what they like, even if they insist on making the same tedious mistakes as all the cardigan-wearing heterosexuals who traded casual sex for companionship and reproduction.

We must assist our fellow travellers in any way we can, so I propose the following retaliatory attack on Cardinal Keith O’Brien. Every time he speaks out against gay marriage I will masturbate to a photo of him. Let’s see how committed he is to his campaign. I hope he can live with himself. Personally, I’ve never felt any homosexual urges before. Perhaps he’ll be the one that triggers them. Either way, dear reader, I will carry out my threat.

Your move, Cardinal.

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