I feel lost sitting high off the ground on a six foot wide bed, with a half tester hanging at what seems like miles above my head. The bottom of the bed looks so far away from my feet, I feel like the smallest inner part of a Russian doll.
I am so excited by the prospect of eight hours exclusive use of the world’s most expensive bed that I am worried I won’t be able to sleep. But then again there are far more uses for a bed than sleep. And I’m not talking about those uses. In the 17th and 18th centuries, royal bedrooms were the centre of palace life. Beds were made to impress dignitaries lucky enough to get an audience with the monarch in his or her chambers. It is this custom which provided the inspiration for Savoir’s new Royal State Bed. So, clearly, this bed is made for more than just sleeping.
At £125k I too would be prepared to conduct all my administrative affairs from bed. Yes, the price tag is half the cost of the average UK property, but if you think of it as an office, bedroom and playground all in one, that’s a very reasonable studio apartment. And with a grand half tester above you, finished with timber cornice work and silk starburst fabrics, who needs a roof anyway?
For my eight-hour exclusive sleeper sample, I have invited my lover du jour. The bed is plenty big enough and given its price and the current housing shortage, it seems selfish to hog it.
Underneath our excited bottoms as we anticipate our most expensive sleep to date, is a mattress-topper combination to match no other on the planet. What we are about to go horizontal on is made from a unique cocktail of cashmere, carded virgin lambs wool, cotton and curled Latin American horse tail. Horse tail apparently wicks away moisture, helps maintain body temperature and provides natural spring. Why it works better when it’s curled and comes from Latin American equine descent, who knows – but it does.
All this soft mass is engineered around hand-tied, starlashed ten-turn pocket springs.. Then the bed, headboard, panels and half tester canopy are covered with gold silk – 1600 miles worth of thread for each bed. Enough to take you from south London to Morocco.
The concoction certainly works. I melt into it and it feels like every muscular contour is supported. Once I’m lying down, I can’t see why I’d ever want to move positions or get up at all.
I have been accused by lovers, past and present, of being a bed hogger. I like to sleep in the middle and usually like a starfish. I have been known to banish many to a spare room for offences like duvet hogging, fidgeting or sonorous snoring. I am the lightest, most fragile of sleepers and when sharing a bed I will wake to so much as the crack of a lover’s big toe. But I can proudly attest there was no need to issue such orders from this veritable dream machine.
Not only is it large enough to temporarily forget about any lovers, the mattress literally absorbs movement. It eats up the energy from the tosses and turns of your bed fellow, like mysterious dark matter. We both slept soundly all the way through to the morning.
We slept on the Royal State Bed prototype. Personally I wouldn’t change a thing but the whole bed is customizable in size and comfort. There’s even a template for your family crest in the canopy…….or a picture of your dog, if you’d prefer. For fussy couples the two sides of the mattress can be made to different levels of firmness. It does mean you can’t swap sides and I’ve no idea what you’d do if you introduced a third person into bed, but the dual bounceability option certainly adds some value to the six figure price tag.
I am also convinced you get an upgrade on the quality of your dreams: as I woke up, my equally refreshed lover mentioned that I had a big smile on my face.
Helen Croydon is author of Sugar Daddy Diaries, a confessional memoir which explores the attraction of power and questions modern models of relationships.